Be your kid’s lawyer
Despite jumping ship on academia, I teach adjunct for Northwestern University and have gotten lucky enough to land in their play therapy class. As I was watching some of the material to prepare for class this week, including a great video of Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of the ah-mazing book The Whole-Brain Child, I had to resist the urge to shout, “Amen!” In this video, she talks about “10-Brain-Based Strategies to Help Children Handle Their Emotions.” More specifically, in the part I got excited about, she reflects on how all kids want to know that their parent is in their corner. I couldn’t agree more! In fact, I recommend that you be so far in their corner that they still want to talk to you when they’ve actually messed up. Be their lawyer. Let their “one call” be to you.
My original idea for this post stems from an experience recently with my own kiddo. I don’t do details here, but I will outline the basics. First, set the scene. Picture unsuspecting me rolling up (ok not really rolling up, more like flying in at the very last minute) to car line. In hops the small human, immediately stating that there has been a (crescendoing ominous music) bad day. Apparently, a group of kids had been subjected by the teacher to some wildly developmentally inappropriate, dare I say interrogation-style, tactics. This set off my kid’s spidey senses and triggered asking to talk to me—in other words—“I wanna talk to my lawyer.” In spite of being denied, kiddo stuck with it. He refused to write anything on the blank paper given to him to confess and pinpoint others. When continuing to refuse to write anything didn’t work, he wrote something to the effect of “I am not writing anything on your paper until I talk to my mom” and handed it in. When he asked for his lawyer, he meant it.
To be fair, I was bursting with pride at this, but that’s not the point. (Do know that I celebrated this parenting win, as I would encourage you to do in your life, too! We need that!) Celebration aside, the point is, our young people need to know that we are on their side, even when they royally eff it all up. So, “How does this work?” you ask. You remain responsive, curious, and open, rather than reactive. In our culture of parent judging, it’s so hard. If your kid strays from perfection, it’s not surprising that you might quickly assume that this is a direct reflection on you. It’s absolutely not. Would a lawyer worry that your behavior was a reflection on them? Not a chance. Be your kid’s lawyer.
Now, I am not suggesting a consequence-free existence. But I am suggesting that you can use specific relationship building strategies to make sure your child knows that 1) they will get a “fair* trial” with you, 2) they will be heard, and 3) you will stand up for them. In essence, they are far more to you than their behavioral choices—questionable or not. Consequences and connection are not mutually exclusive. Just as a lawyer would stand up for you in court, whether you did it or you didn’t, you stand up for your kid. You don’t allow them to be defined by mistakes; you don’t allow others to mistreat them; you don’t shame them when they invariably screw up; and you don’t throw them under the bus to look good yourself (e.g., dramatically punish them and proclaim that you don’t know where they got this behavior). You listen to their whole story and try to understand—from their perspective. You sit beside them behind the “lawyer table” in front of the “judge” (whoever that may be) even if they did what they’re accused of. Ultimately, you expect them to rise to certain behavioral standards, there are limits and consequences after all, but you will love them through it even when they don’t. Be your kid’s lawyer. Be their first call when they’ve gotten themself into a jam, big or small. Make sure they know you’re there for them. no matter what.
If you want to know more about how to build a safe relationship with your kiddo, so that they can build safe relationships in their lives, reach out here. I can help.
*The concept of a fair trial is being used here as an example. Aligned Counseling & Supervision takes the stance that our justice system is plagued by problems of inequity and oppression. For many people, there is no such thing as a fair trial, based on nothing other than their identity.
